The Boys of My Youth

father? no .. not if you hear my mother tell it.
you created me, just the same.
your touch once brought my mother pleasure
but now she won't even speak your name.

i have heard tales of you
the terrible things you did to me
and I too young to remember, believed

a paper sits on my desk now.
it tells me you are no longer my father.
that right was taken, ripped from your hands
without even a fight.

did you want me?
do you want me now?
should i even bother asking?

~*~

you took my mother into your life
so young. five years her junior
and yet so old.
buried your own parents far too young.

i loved you then
you brought joy to her
through her, to me.

you taught me, though i couldn't see it
to be strong.
i rebelled because I could not see
your lessons
i would not look deep enough

when the man who created me left
you filled the emptiness
not completely, but enough to be my dad

~*~

my mother's father
you made her strong
but more importantly you made her

long ago
before I was even imagined
you faught in a war
and it changed you

you loved your family
your wife
children enough to fill your small home
you came home to them, thankfully

as long as I can remember
you and mimere had separate rooms
but that didn't mean that your home wasn't filled with love

i learned so much about love
staying there in your home

you left too soon
i never got to say goodbye
you never got to meet the man i love
the man who gave me the same love
i felt in your presence

~*~

before i loved
you were there
not a singular person
but a group.

you were my first friends.
you and i traipsed through forests and fields.

we spent hours in the snow
discovering for ourselves
just how cold it was.

we got lost in the woods
and it wasn't a danger
we didn't care.

we weren't afraid, and didn't have to be.

~*~

my first experience with death.
ninth grade
i woke up to hear my mother ask 'did you know him?'

devastated .. and we were barely friends.
as i write this i can see your face
you would have been handsome
had your brother not taken your life

too soon.

you were smart. you were funny.
we were all friends.
but you were gone.
and the entire school turned out for your wake.
filled the funeral home.

i tried to punch a photographer at the cemetary.
i kissed your mother's cheek.
your father's widow.

~*~

you were the drummer
never the front man
never the one the girls wanted

but i wanted you.

after the dances i would stay
we made out behind the bleachers before my ride left
you were too old
and I knew it but didn't care.

~*~

you were the one that nearly cost me my friendship.
she wanted you.
so did i.

but i think i only did because she did.
but you wanted me.

passing around boyfriends became a pasttime then.
you were the first
of many

~*~

you.
you broke my heart.
you were the first to do it.
not the last, but the rest don't hurt as much.

you made your best friend ask me out for you.
i was, of course, seeing someone else.
that day .. at lunch .. i went from him
to you.

i loved you
we were good together.

i couldn't help that i had to move.
i was only a sophomore.
we promised we would stay together.

he told me, you know.
he ratted you out.
and i was glad for it.
i was glad to come to the party
to see you with her, and to walk out with him.

you taught me the meaning of revenge.
thank you.

~*~

you who always made me smile.
you who stood back while he loved me.
used me.

you told me what happened.
and helped me exact my revenge.
and i saw you through new eyes.

the first long distance romance.

~*~

the bad boy.
oh how i wanted you.
from the moment you arrived at school.

all the girls did, of course.
with your long hair.
dark eyes that seemed to burn through me.
mysterious, you were.
dangerous.

i had you, of course.
i felt safe wrapped in those dangerous arms.

better. i felt powerful.
i had what they wanted.
felt the jelous eyes.
and i loved it.

i never ended things badly.
you just moved away.
i was sad but learned .. another would come.

~*~

you.
not a lover.
a teacher.

you tried to show me i was better than they said.
tried.
but i didn't want to see it.

~*~



dangerous.
but not so much.
you i learned to control.
respect you gave, because i demanded it.

you only lived down the street.
my solitude when i saught it out.

they knew i would hide there when i tried to escape
but you tried to save me.
you earned my trust.
and my silence.
despite knowing you were wrong.

i often wonder where you went.
i hope beyond hope you saw the error of your ways.
sadly i don't think you could.

~*~

tears fall
every time i think of you.

years have come and gone
loves have come and gone
but there remains an empty hole in my heart

you were not dangerous
not sinister
nothing i ever wanted.

and yet you were everything.

the happiest times of my years were spent
laughing with you.
watching you create art with your two hands.

to you i owe my love of art.
my desire to create comes from you.
from your memory.

they were afraid to tell me what happened.
they sat me down
and i thought it was a joke.

it was no laughing matter.

worst of all
i couldn't come to you
and i wanted to.
more than anything i tried to find you.

only years and years later did i find your grave.
i sat and wept in the cold snow.

love remains.
my handsome, charming prince.
you remain in me.


~*~

my retreat into fantasy found you
willing to indulge my whims
dangerous dreams

you fed my desires and let me
rule you

you were timid
afraid of me, like they said so many were
or did i only want to believe that?

you got me to believe in something again

~*~

handsome.
no.
incredible.
no.

perfect.

you were hers .. and too young for me.
i contented myself with your friendship
and sent the rumor mill into overdrive.

they wouldn't believe we were only friends.
they saw what i saw.
they saw that i wanted what i couldn't have
and it became a game.

a game that lasted two long years.
my hunger inflamed
an inferno that threatened to burn me.

you left her.
i nearly laughed.
intead i kissed you.

but it didn't last, that kiss.
we saw what we should have known all along.

we were better off friends.

~*~

jolly fat man.
no, not santa claus.

but you could have been.

your enthusiasm infected me.
but it was the handsome young men
walking into your office all day that
i wanted to see.

you were funny
and kind
and their leader.

my, how i thank you now.

~*~

through him, there was you.

irish.
not what my dad would have wanted for me.
but that was the point.
wasn't it?

you soothed me when i ached.
you tempted me when i turned away.

i never thought i'd escape the terror of my youth.

much, much later i would look back and smile.
red hair -is- a warning.

~*~

your voice i know.
your words i remember.
your face i have seen.

but i have never known your touch.
never had the pleasure of your fingers memorizing my skin.
devouring my warmth as though it were
necessary.

still
you saved me from myself.

gentle.
loving and kind.
true despite all odds.
despite the distance. despite my fear and hate and rage.

it was you that abandoned me.
for the first time, i felt sadness.
but it was sadness i could stand.

~*~

beloved.

you came when i thought i would never love again.
i did not seek you out.

we missed eachother by a matter of weeks in london.
would we have found eachother there?

i left everything for you.
home.
family.
security.

it was worth it.

the worry and fear on the long bus ride.
the anguish and frustration as i struggled to find my way to your arms.
it was all worth it when i felt your arms at last around me.

you above all.
no one means more than you to me.
my heart aches when we're apart
even for a moment.

you have seen me through trying times.
through days when we could have been lost to eachother.
you in your stubborn way make me see when i'm being a fool.

you comforted me through loss.
through frustration.
through rage .. even when it was directed at you.
and i've seen yours too
and i don't fear it.

i only fear losing you.
living without you in my life is my greatest terror.
a nightmare that never fails to bring tears to my eyes.

we make a life together now.
a home. a family.
through everything, we are together.
as it should be.